Hello Depression, I’ve been expecting you. Seriously dude, can you give me a rain check? I have things to do.
I never really know how it is going to go. I could be having a great day, where everything is going right, and somehow, no matter how hard I try, there is something wrong. It’s like biting into a chocolate truffle and finding a cockroach in the center. Nothing that should feel pleasurable does. Food doesn’t taste good, and the pain feels almost like a comfort, if for nothing else in it’s ability to encompass you.
Sometimes, the physical pain is overwhelmed entirely, like a wave encompassing all the other waves, by the emotional pain. The bottom drops out, and you feel somehow like there is nothing inside of you from the throat down. You are empty, a carcass.
For me, this doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it more than likely catches me by surprise. I’d describe it as akin to coming home from grocery shopping to find a serial killer sitting at your dining room table, sharpening your butcher knife.
I had a great day today. Exceptional really, but right now – I feel empty, a waif, a shell of a person, waiting for it to end.
Down the hall, five beautiful humans sleep. Just 50 feet away from me, their father sits, reading a book, waiting for his wife. Certainly not waiting for me – the empty shell of Dawnfelice. I cannot find my way back yet. I am staring down, into the abyss. I can’t even cry, because there is nothing left to cry about. I feel dead inside.
What can I do? There were times before in my life, when the answer was simple. Cut, bleed, concentrate and breathe. Find my strength and move on. I’ve healed from that behavior, there is no more cutting, no more pins poking, no hair to pulling out until I have bald spots. It would feel “good” for a minute – but I can’t allow myself to fall back into that. I nearly lost a hand to a garbage disposal because of that compulsion.
So instead – I stare down into the abyss. DEEP. Feeling almost that tumbling forward felt in dreams. And then, when it seems I will fall in – the Abyss blinked and I stepped away and fell into bed.