Today is dark. It’s bleak and cold and I can’t seem to get up and out of the profound darkness that seeps upward from my soul. My heart is an open wound that seems it will never heal. I don’t want to be here. I’m tired, in pain, and just want that to release me from it’s clutches. How is it that you can be lonely in a house full of people? To crave silence and privacy, while at the same time wishing for someone to pull you from the abyss? I don’t want to be touched. I can’t help myself from crying.
I don’t want to live in the past – but I also don’t know how to get to a place where the past can be the past – to let go and try to just live today as it is. I am broken in ways that can never be repaired. There are some wounds that just won’t heal and that are inevitably fatal. Perhaps a part of me has died and the rest of me hasn’t gotten the memo. I don’t know. Tears roll down and I’m unable to take a deep breath. I want desperately to be alone – but I know that is not the answer – even though I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I really don’t have a choice – I have to function – there are too many people counting on me – but at the same time – I wonder if I’m really doing any good. I feel like a ghost.